Bulletin Q&A Article; Published 10-27-24:
Many years ago, a close relative of mine broke off all ties with me. Despite many attempts trying to apologize for anything I might have inadvertently said or done, I have received no response. I pray about the situation regularly. If I have repeatedly asked for forgiveness from the person and the person will not offer forgiveness, is this a sin for which I will be held accountable for on my judgement day?
Although you might have done something to cause a break in the relationship with your relative, even though you don’t know what it is that you said or did, you have asked for forgiveness. You have done your part, and now the next step is up to your relative. But we must remember that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. The other person might have forgiven you, but does not want to reconcile. Sometimes we forgive someone and yet no longer want to be their friend. When we do something wrong, when we sin, it affects our relationship with the person we offended, but also our relationship with the Church. We disturb the unity that should exist. And so we ask forgiveness from the individual, but we also come to the Sacrament of Confession to ask forgiveness from God. He will not only offer forgiveness, but reconciliation as well. Lumen Gentium, the Dogmatic Constitution of the Church, say that we approach the sacrament of Penance to: “Obtain pardon from the mercy of God for the offence committed against Him and are at the same time reconciled with the Church, which they have wounded by their sins, and which by charity, example, and prayer seeks their conversion.” I would suggest that the next time you go to Confession, you mention to the priest your sorrow for unintentionally offending your relative in the past. And then let it go and move on. You can control what you do, but not what the other person does.
But maybe the issue might be a little deeper. Maybe you, yourself, are struggling with forgiveness. Are you struggling with forgiving your relative for not forgiving you? Are you struggling with forgiving yourself for breaking an important relationship? You are in control of forgiveness in these situations. To find peace, you must forgive your relative and yourself.
I ran across a short video by Fr. Mike Schmitz that deals with the subject of today’s question. You might want to check it out: (www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kneXYGngFI). He offers two things we can do when someone will not offer forgiveness. The first is to patiently accept the suffering that our action caused. The second is to continue to love the other person and not let resentment overtake us.